Sitting down to write this, I honestly paused, closed my eyes, and asked myself "what am I feeling, what am I feeling, what am I feeling?" I want to be able to communicate exactly what it is, but I have no clue how to describe it.
When I was in graduate school, a professor once told me I needed to expand my "feelings vocabulary." Only in a social work program would a professor say that to you, but she definitely was right. And it still feels true now, because I cannot think of words that do this feeling justice. Maybe that's because it's not as much a feeling as a series of them all rolled up into one moment.
It's a strange combination of excitement and fear and exhaustion and hope, and it just sort of feels like heaviness. Not a sad heaviness, but a heaviness that forces me to recognize the weight of what this update could mean- for me, for Little Man, for his biological mom, and for the people who care about us.
In case you didn't see the picture or title of this post above, we have a court date set. But technically it is set with a question mark right now.
May 19th (?)
We are scheduled for an afternoon hearing, which means there's a chance we could get bumped if the morning session runs long. If that happens, we'll probably have to wait until late June for a new spot, because the court schedule is pretty full at the moment.
So... that's where we are. With a court date sitting uncertainly on the horizon.
In some ways, it's a relief to have something on the calendar. I mean- it's progress. Even if we do get postponed, it's close. But it's been a long process with a decent number of roadblocks, so it's hard to feel confident and settled right now.
Oh, and there's also the fact that I don't really know what the outcome will be. That's still pretty scary.
But, regardless, I feel hopeful.
I could be an official, no-strings-attached, doesn't-need-approved-babysitters-or-medicine-logs mom in a little over a month.
Or fairly soon afterward.
It's getting real.
We'll take all the prayers, positive thoughts, and good vibes we can get in the weeks ahead, so feel free to send those our way! And, of course, I'll update when I have more information. Which I guess will be on May 19th.
I mean, I'll share other updates here in the meantime, but they'll probably be about an assortment of other things. Things that will distract me from the waiting.
So stay tuned, if you feel so inclined. And know I truly am so grateful you've chosen to be a part of our story!