Foster Parenting FAQs

Well, team- I'm pushing forward (at a pretty rapid pace) in the licensing process.

Here are some things I’ve checked off my licensure to-do list:

• A handful of online trainings focused on medical consent, medications, and trauma-informed care (which made for a thrilling Friday night, by the way)

• Two online courses on car seat safety. (Are all parents required to take this? Because they should be. It's so intimidating! Dear everyone who transports children- if you don't take a class about car seat safety, at least read the car seat’s manual.)

• Trainings on policies and procedures

• More paperwork!

My former roommate also moved out over the weekend, which makes everything intensely real. Sitting alone in my living room over the past few days, I have- on multiple occasions- been suddenly struck by the life-changing nature of my decision.

In a few weeks, I could have kids in my house.

And I’m going to be responsible for them.

Note to self- clean up language before children arrive.

A lot could change in just a few short weeks.

One thing I suspect will not change is people's curiosity. I still get a lot of great questions, and, as I mentioned last time, I want to take time to answer a few of them here. Some are more focused on the general process, and others are more specific to my experience.

Here are the questions that made the cut for this post:

1. How old will the child be?/Will it be a boy or a girl?

I don't understand these things. They just seems like an invitation for public disappointment.

            My answer to this one is simple- I have no idea. And I won’t until I get a call saying, “Hey, we have a child in need of a placement. It is a fill in a gender here who is fill in a number here years old. Are you willing to take him/her in?”

         That might be a slightly abbreviated version of the phone call, but it really will be that basic. And, depending on the type of placement, it could happen a few hours before a child arrives at my home.  

         In the agency I work with, there are two main types of placements- mandated and voluntary. Mandated placements happen when CPS requires a child to be removed from a home. The nature of this situation means there’s not typically a lot of advanced planning- a child is taken into DFPS custody, and they have to find a placement immediately. Voluntary placements occur when a guardian chooses to sign a child into foster care temporarily- while they try to find housing, search for a job, or do whatever they feel is necessary to provide a more supportive environment for their child. Sometimes this allows for a bit of advanced notice, but it’s never a guarantee.

         So basically, if you ask me that question the day a child is placed in my home, I might have an answer for you.

2. Are you requesting a specific age/gender?

         While I won’t know specifics in advance, I can request a general age range. I could even say my house will/will not be open to a specific gender, race, religion, etc. That might sound harsh, but if a foster parent is a strict atheist, s/he may not feel comfortable providing spiritual support for a child who comes from a strict Southern Baptist family. And vice versa. These children are going through a significant- and traumatic- change, so the hope is they'll be able to experience some level of stability and consistency in the midst of it. If a foster parent is uncomfortable providing a specific cultural or spiritual or whatever environment, it might not be the best fit for the child.

(I'm reminded of this movie clip- event though it's a completely different context:)

(I had to get my Tina Fey reference in somewhere...)

         So, basically, in the process of becoming a foster parent, you determine what environment and experiences you’re comfortable providing, and they use that to create a profile for you that is stored in a database of available foster homes. So “Foster Home A” may be willing to take up to 3 children under the age of 13 of any ethnicity but only a Methodist background. Then, when DFPS has a 3-year old boy who comes from a Wiccan family (I'm just using this example because of the video clip), they will know “Foster Home A” might not be the best placement for him. Essentially, it helps DFPS match the needs of the kids with the homes able to provide them.

         That being said, the only specifics I requested were focused on age. I question my ability to effectively parent a child who could break into a wine cabinet or steal my car, so I’ve requested ages 6 and under- with a little bit of flexibility.  (Note the use of the word could. I don’t think this would actually happen; it’s just a fear I have of raising teenagers. I will probably be terrified when I have teenagers of my own one day. It’s a scary age range- they have a lot going on.)

Yeah, me either.

3. How many kids will you have?

         As you may have gathered in the previous response, this is another thing a foster parent has to consider in the licensing process. You get to decide what your range is- usually it’s “up to ___” kids.

         There is a maximum capacity, which is dependent on the number of caregivers, how much space is available, how many other people are in the home, and the type of licensing the home receives.

         I stated I would prefer one child, but I am flexible if a sibling group needs a placement- with three being my maximum.

4. When will you get a placement?

         See the answer to 1. Technically, I have no clue. I hope to be licensed by September, so it could be any time after that! I’ll keep you posted.

5. Will you quit your job?

         Because I still have to make money- and because I enjoy what I do- my potential foster children will go to day care or school during the day, and I will continue working.

This will pretty much be me.

         I think there’s an idea floating around that people make money foster parenting; I’m sure there’s been a horror story about it on 20/20 or 60 Minutes.  But let me clarify- that is not true.

         Foster parents do get a small stipend to help cover things like food, clothes and day care for the child, but it’s far from a personal income. When it’s used correctly, there shouldn’t really be anything left over. Because day care is expensive, guys. 

        

6. How long will the child live with you?

         This is another one where the real answer is “I don’t know.” It depends on a lot of different factors. The goal of foster care is to provide a temporary home until a permanent option is available- whether that means family reunification, kinship care, or an adoptive placement. The hope is this would take less than a year, but a family could need more time to regain custody, or an adoptive placement might not be available right away. There’s no way to guarantee a time frame. It could be 2 months, or it could be 2 years. This is one of the reasons it’s important for someone to feel confident and committed before becoming a foster parent.

         However, there are shorter-term options available for people who want to do this, but don’t feel ready to take on anything long-term. Respite care providers are essentially temporary foster homes. They’re licensed, but they provide care to children who are in foster homes for anywhere between 2 and 14 days. (If a foster parent needs a break, has to go on a business trip, etc.)

These are a few of the questions I’ve received, but if you have more, please feel free to leave a comment or send me a message!

Next week, I’ll be talking about the difficulty- and the danger- of “nesting.”

Here’s a sneak peek of what’s to come:

That is real, folks. 

And I'll tell you all about it soon!

(Side note- if you want to continue following my foster parenting journey, I think there's a way to sign up to be notified when a new post happens. I'm not super tech savvy, but I think it exists somewhere to the right of this. Maybe?)

So... why are you becoming a foster parent right now?

In the week since announcing my decision to become a foster parent (and in previous weeks when I announced it to a few folks here and there), I have received an incredible amount of support and encouragement. I am immensely grateful for everyone who commented, “liked”, shared, or read that last post.

 I had so many people- including some I have I haven’t seen or spoken to in far too long- send me messages to say they are thinking of, praying for, and supporting me on this journey. I feel very humbled, immeasurably thankful, and extremely blessed.

In addition to the support and encouragement, I have also received a lot of questions.  It makes sense- I think this process is unfamiliar to a lot of people, so I love being able to share my experiences along the way.

I think the main question I've received- which, again, makes sense- is some variation of …

No one can resist those "eyes that sparkle and pierce the hearts of women- both old and middle-aged alike."

I felt like this would be an important question to address here- it seems sort of foundational for the things I’ll write in the future. At the same time, though, it’s also a difficult question to answer.

When I break it down, there are two main reasons for the “why” of the question:

Reason 1: I feel called to do it.

I realize that probably sounds cliché, but I’m not sure how else to articulate that it is a passion I literally feel.

And I do not mean “literally” in the Chris Traeger sense.

I mean that when I think about the barriers so many children face today and the fact that they deserve so much more, my heart aches. And when I have the opportunity to provide kids with some of the things they need- love, acceptance, encouragement, safety- I feel joyful and alive. (More on my experiences with that later.)

Again, I’m not sure how to articulate that, but I imagine it looking something like this:

 

This will be the first of many Liz Lemon gifs on this blog.
Prepare yourselves.

Reason 2: There is an overwhelmingly huge need for foster parents right now.

There are a lot of statistics out there I could quote, but I know you can all use Google well enough to look them up if you so desire. Instead, I’ll just point you to this article posted in the Waco Trib a few weeks ago. It explains a shocking reality that- unfortunately- isn’t isolated to the Waco area. (Just to warn you- it shares a few real stories of what many children face today, and it is a bit graphic in the beginning.)

The sad reality is there are a lot of kids out there in need of love, nurturing and stability, but there aren’t enough homes available to provide them.

My former English professor once shared the following Frederick Buechner quote with me:

“The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.”

That is essentially what led me to a career in social work and what now leads me to become a foster parent.

Now to address the “right now” part of the question…

I’m not sure if any of you have really perused this blog, but if so you may have noticed there are a few posts written before last week’s. There’s been a bit of a writing gap here, because those entries were written in the summer of 2011.

At the time, I was actually working as… a foster parent!

 

Let me explain, Will.

Before I started my MSW program, I moved to Houston and spent the summer working as a foster parent with an agency in Houston. I was in an intake home with a few of parents caring for a house full of kids. We had six at a time- all between the ages of 2 days and 4 years old.

Obviously it was a crazy experience.

And I loved it.

(*Side note, that agency is actually looking for people willing to do this internship now. If you or someone you know might be interested, you can learn more here.)

I’ve known since then I wanted to be a foster parent at some point, but I thought it would be further down the road- probably when I was older and settled and married.

Fast-forward five years. I’m older, and I’m decently settled, I think. I have a job, a place to live, and grown-up furniture.

At this point, though, I’m tired of waiting on the married part. I’ve hit two-thirds of those life benchmarks- I think I’m doing okay.

Now, I am not afraid I’m going to die alone, and I don’t consider myself to be an old maid.

I'm definitely not at Jess' level of hopelessness.

I’ve just decided that, at twenty-something, I don’t want to put off life goals while I wait on this one thing to fall into place. Because I don’t know when, or- let’s be honest- even if, that will happen. I can’t predict the future.

What I can do is live my life fully right now- however that looks for me.

A few people have graciously asked me if I’m scared about how this will affect my future marriage prospects.

I'm pretty sure I've read that question in a Jane Austen novel, so I think the most appropriate response is the Elizabeth Bennett side-eye.

The honest answer to that is yes. A little bit.

But as scary as it is now to wonder, “What if _____ happens?”, it is nowhere near as terrifying as the thought of being 80- or even 30- and wondering, “What could have happened if I followed my passions?”

I guess those questions could always be in the back of my mind, but I’ve realized I don’t want look back on my life and regret making choices based on what might happen down the road. Instead, I want take control of the things I can control and let what might happen fall into place- or not fall into place- whenever it will.

I want to change the world, guys, and I’m not about to let some “what if"s keep me from doing that.

As I was thinking through this post over the weekend, trying to figure out how to articulate my thoughts, I took a break to finish a book I’ve taken way too long to read. (Shout out to my friend, J, who has let me borrow it for about a year now. Maybe longer.)

It’s called Daring Greatly*, and in it, author Brené Brown summarizes a conversation she had with her daughter.

“I explained that I had spent many years never trying anything that I wasn’t already good at doing, and how those choices almost made me forget what it feels like to be brave. I said, ‘Sometimes the bravest and most important thing you can do is just show up.’”

Preach, Brené.

So, I’m choosing to show up. I’m making a crazy and terrifying and daring choice.

And I’m excited to see where it leads me.

(I’m going to respond to some other FAQs soon- the more basic questions I receive about the foster care process. If you have any you’d like me to answer- about the process itself or my decision to take it on- please feel free to write it in the comments! I’m excited to be able to share what I’m learning, so I’d love to answer any questions you might have!)

*Brené’s book title is based on a Theodore Roosevelt speech called “The Man in the Arena.” I’ve included it here, because it’s great and everyone should read it.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

An Introduction and an Announcement.

My name is Kaley. I’m a 20-something woman living in the lovely Heart of Texas. I’m in the early stages of my career as a social worker. I enjoy spending time with people I care about, playing and listening to music, baking, crafting, drinking coffee and being outside. I like traveling, sipping on a good (or cheap) glass of wine, and playing with my dogs.

This is me- looking super sassy because I just got bangs for the first time since 1st grade.
They look better in person.

I’m also a foster parent.

Well, to be more accurate at the moment, I’m applying to be a foster parent.

I haven’t told very many people about this decision- mostly because it’s early in the process, and not talking about it seems like the easiest way to keep people’s thoughts, opinions and judgments at bay.  That might seem unnecessary, but in all honesty, I get really nervous about what other people think about this decision.

So far the people I’ve told have been- for the most part- very encouraging. Most have been incredibly excited for me, which is thrilling. But I have received a few quizzical looks, along with statements such as, “you're so young!”, “that’s going to be really hard,” and, even more simply, the perplexed- and almost indignant- “Why?!”

Jean-Ralphio's eyebrows just asked you a question.

Whenever I tell someone about my decision for the first time, I anxiously anticipate that type of response. I tend to talk in circles for a bit and then rush through the “so I applied to be a foster parent” part, as if blurring the sentence into one unintelligible word will confuse the listener enough to move on without responding.

This has yet to work for me, by the way.

Thankfully, the positive responses greatly outweigh the negatives at this point. I think that’s partially because people view this as an “admirable” or “brave” undertaking. (I'm using quotation marks because those are both responses I've heard. It’s very kind of people to say, but also very generous. I don’t particularly feel as if I’m either of those things, but I'll take it.)

I think the other reason I’ve gotten mostly positive feedback is just that the majority of the people who know I’m taking this step also know me- my heart, my passions, and my goals.

Even so, I get pretty nervous when someone else is added to the “in the know” list. After breaking the news I wait, anxiously holding my breath during the moments between my announcement and the listeners' response- which are never as long as they feel- confident they will automatically go into a long list of reasons why I shouldn’t do this. (Because obviously they’d have that ready to go in anticipation of this exact moment.)

I expect those responses because, in my mind, they seem pretty reasonable. I can understand that it seems crazy for a young, single woman to commit to something so demanding. Shouldn’t I be soaking up my youth and enjoying my freedom? Spending time with friends? Staying up and sleeping in late instead of taking care of a small human being?

One Direction=YOLO pros.

I can understand that reasoning. Really, I can. The part of my brain that comprehends those concepts is pretty nervous about this undertaking. I mean, the Waco dating scene is pretty rough already- I can’t imagine it will get much better if I’m in charge of a toddler.

It makes no sense to do this right now.

I’m young. I’m unattached. I’m moving forward in a career that I love. I have free time and energy and passion! I can do anything I want with my life!

But, on the other hand…

I’m young. I’m unattached. I’m moving forward in a career that I love. I have free time and energy and passion! I can do anything I want with my life!

In my mind, the reasons I shouldn’t become a foster parent are the same reasons I should. (Or some of them, at any rate.)

In fact, I think they’re reasons I could be a pretty kick-ass foster parent.

I’ve been chugging along as a social worker for the past year, and I’ve recently started the process to pursue clinical licensure. I don’t want to pat myself on the back prematurely, but I think the knowledge and experience I’ve gained in this field will be really helpful things to bring to the foster parenting table.

I have energy and passion. I care about serving people- especially kids who need to hear and know they’re loved and worth loving.

I am unattached. Right now, I have free time that I might not have further down the road. So why not use that time productively?* Instead of filling my free time with Netflix marathons, I can use it to do something that makes me feel alive.

Believe me, I do enjoy Netflix marathons. I’ve championed them in the past few years. But I have found serving and caring for someone in a tangible way to be significantly more life-giving than powering through an entire season of House of Cards in a day.  

Obviously the most uplifting show on Netflix

.

All that being said, I am not so naïve as to believe this will be a leisurely stroll in the park. I recognize that it will be incredibly challenging and difficult. But I also believe that it will be good. I expect I will shed some tears in the days ahead, but I have a feeling I will also experience incredible joy.

So I’m going for it. I’m currently in the midst of a series of interviews, trainings, background checks, home inspections, and so on and so forth. It’s a pretty serious process.

But I am really excited.

Still nervous.

But mostly excited.

If you want to join me in this process- because you are excited for me, think I'm crazy, are interested in becoming a foster parent yourself, or you're just bored- feel free to check back here every once in a while. I’m planning on using this to share some updates- on my progress through licensing and, hopefully eventually, my experiences with actually having a child in my home.

I’m really looking forward to the journey, and I hope you’re looking forward to sharing it with me!

*Please note- I do not believe that “using time productively” equates to foster parenting for everyone. For many people, it might mean traveling, taking classes, spending time with friends and family, etc. For some people it might even mean Netflix marathon-ing. I’m not here to judge. You do you. And embrace it, because it’s awesome.

Chronicles of an Overnight Shift

6/22/2011- 3:46AM

Tonight has been tough.

Since the new baby arrived today, I had a few extra chores to take care of. Installing car seats, washing all of her clothes, filling out/organizing paperwork, etc.

One of my roommates came by to help me, which was exceedingly nice of her. But it did make it take a bit longer. We like to talk. I was hoping to finish everything quickly so I could start studying while my mind was still able to function, but by the time she left at 2 o’clock I had already missed by optimal study-time window.

I opened up my psychology book and started reading about behavioral neuroscience. My goal was to read a whole chapter and take the quiz on it by the end of my shift.

At this point in time, things are not looking promising.

After reading approximately 3.2 pages, I lost almost all ability to comprehend the words on the page. It took me about 20 minutes to realize I was just staring at it blankly, so I decided to put my work to the side and take a really quick power nap.

(Don’t tell my boss.)

Unfortunately (but actually fortunately), my maternal instincts seem to kick in during these shifts. I somehow develop the ability to hear every sound in the house, so each time a child so much as sighs in her sleep I am instantly alert. The boy in the farthest room from me could just shift in his bed, and my heart will skip a beat and then immediately start racing.

According to what I just read in my psych book, that’s my sympathetic nervous system’s response to receiving the auditory stimulus of what could possibly be a child in distress.

Literally- I read that right before my brain stopped working.

Anyway, I couldn’t sleep at all- even though I was unbelievably tired. I was too nervous a child would wake up and- for some reason or another- need me.

Which is exactly what happened about 10 minutes in to my attempted power nap.

The baby started whimpering a little bit, so I thought I’d go in and pat her back for a few minutes to help her calm down. Immediately upon entering the bedroom, however, I realized she needed a lot more than a pat on the back. She needed a diaper change.

Stat.

So I pulled her out of bed- effectively waking her up the rest of the way. I changed her diaper, which was quite difficult given the fact that both of her legs are covered from top to bottom in casts- and started to snap her pjs back up.

It was at this point that I realized she needed a lot more than a diaper change.

Her pjs were soaked. So I had to change them completely.

I managed to do that with relative ease and laid her back down in her crib. At which point- you guessed it- I realized she needed a lot more than a change of clothes. She needed a change of sheets.

This was way more than I bargained for at 3 in the morning.

When I finally got her new sheets situated, I put her back into her crib. Again.

Naturally, she started crying.

A lot.

Worried she’d wake her roommate up, I started patting her back and singing some lullabies. She’d quiet down for a little while, but then she’d remember she didn’t want to be in her bed and start crying again. It was really sad. (And, let’s be honest, a little frustrating at the same time.) I sat there for about 40 minutes trying to calm her, but eventually I had to let her cry it out.

It took all of one minute for her to self-soothe and fall asleep.

Go figure.

She didn’t cry for long, but it was so hard to let it happen! It really is heartbreaking to listen to a crying baby without being able to help. But we both survived, so I decided to go back to the living room to attempt studying once again.

I sat down on the couch and picked up my book, at which point I realized (twist!) the baby was not the only one who needed a change of clothes.

I was covered in everything that leaked out of her diaper and through her pajamas. And I smelled awful.

Really, really awful.

Fortunately, a stack of t-shirts that were donated last week was sitting on the kitchen counter. My roommate forgot to take them home with her- hallelujah!! So, after a quick wardrobe change, I am sitting here now with 1) a dry shirt, 2) only a lingering smell of urine (huge improvement!), and c) a much, much deeper appreciation for Al Roker and the Today Show’s incredible excess of donations.

I am, however, no closer to finishing my homework.

Back to it, I guess….

It’s now 4:25. One and a half hours til bedtime….

Also...

I forgot to mention...

If you happen to read this before the Today Show airs tomorrow, watch it. That's Wednesday June 15th.

You might see me if you look carefully, but you'll definitely see- and hear- more about Casa.

Poor Neglected Blog...

I know I've been awful at updating this thing, but life has been a little bit busy and I want to make sure I write an adequate post. Because I have a lot of things to say.

I will try- so hard- to write something legitimate soon. Like in the next few days. So... stay tuned. If you want.

Hello June

Well, I finished my third day of work with the kids.

I am alive.

And work is good.

But it is very, very challenging.

I'm tired, but I'll try to write a better update soon.

Just know that things are going well!